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An old friend texted me a part of these lyrics earlier tonight.  It's a great song so I thought that I'd share with you all

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Here's my contribution to the latest Kween of the Queens challenge.

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11:37pm

There was a loud knock at the door.  I had no idea who could be at the door at this time of night, without first calling or texting.  I wasn't upset, but the norm was that friends would call or text when something was wrong before coming over.  I had this sudden thought that something absolutely horrible must have happened, and that whoever was at the door was too shocked to have called first.  I got up, walked to the door, and looked through the peep hole.  I was completely stunned at what I saw.  My jaw litterally dropped.  I quickly composed myself before unlocking the door and swinging it wide open.

"Hi."

She was so meek and mild when she said it.  Standing before me she looked so utterly pitiful.  I couldn't remember the last time that I saw anyone look like that...and I certainly had never seen Sam like that.

Hey.

I thought that I would have to force myself to smile at her, but it came so naturally.

"I......"

She hung her head in shame.  She still wouldn't...or couldn't look at me.

"I...um..."

I reached out and gently lifted her chin up.  Her mascara had run down her entire face.  She looked as if she'd been crying for days.

Come inside.

I stood back giving her enough room to come inside. She walked past me and into the living room, and just stopped.  She stood there with her shoulders slumped and head once again hanging down in shame.  We were both in our early 30s now, but Sam looked like a small child standing there.  It had been at least 10 years since I had seen here...around 8 since I had last heard anything from her.  She was hurting...a lot...that much was obvious.  All these years later, my heart still ached for her.  I hated seeing her in pain.

Sam?

Her mouth was slightly open now, her lower lip trembling so much I was afraid it was going to fall off.  I took a step towards her and brushed her dark, curly hair out of her face.  She brought her head slightly up, but still wouldn't look directly at me.

Come on.

I reached out and took her hand.  She momentarily lifted her eyes to look at me.  I smiled at her and we walked down the long halfway to the other half of the house.  I had a flashback to the first time Sam and I walked this hallway together, hand in hand.  It had been about 15 years earlier.  It was the summer after our freshman year at college and Sam had come to stay with me for a few days while my parents were out of town on business.  Had my parents known that Sam and I were romantically linked, I'm not sure tht they would have suggested that she come visit to keep me company while they were away.  At that time though, they thought that we were best friends, and we were...it's just that we were more than that as well.  It was odd though; we had been roommates our freshman year in college, but never slept together until that night 15 years ago.

We were finally at the large bathroom at the end of the hallway.  I took a small wash cloth from underneath the sink and dampened it with warm water.  I looked up to see Sam's reflection in the mirror.

"You still have that piece of crap?"




I grinned from ear to ear as I turned around.

I do.

"Well, at least you keep it hidden away back here in this bathroom."

The 'piece of crap' that Sam was referring to was a large picture on the bathroom wall.  It was actually a piece that Sam had used in one of her digital media classes when we were undergrads.  It was a picture of me that she had manipulated.  At the time, she was unbelieveably proud of it (as she should have been).  But I had to admit, looking at it now, it really was a piece of crap, at least from a purely aesthetic perspective.  She had actually made it for me, and had given it to me as a gift when the semester was over.

"It's absolutely horrible."

I took a step towards her and began to gently wipe her face with the warm wash cloth that I had.

Hey...give me a break.  Flannel was in back then.  Seattle grunge, remember?

She smiled weakly at my lame joke.  It was the first smile I had gotten out of her all night.  The grin on my face got even larger.

"That's not what I mean, and you know it."

She took a step back and sat down on the toilet.  She hung her head again and began to fiddle with the cuffs of the jean jacket she was wearing.  I took a step forward and crouched in front of her while I continued to wipe her face.

I love it.  I actually think that it's amazing...I always have.  I have a real emotional connection to it...to the person who gave it to me...to the person who created it.

I took a deep breath.

I actually put it in here because it's so special to me.  This is the bathroom that I use every morning when I'm getting ready...and when I come home from work this is where I go to clean up.  I...I think that art is so much more than the finished product, you know?  It's about the process that goes into making it.  What it's REALLY about are the emotions behind it.  That's what makes it so absolutely lovely and precious to me.

Sam hung her head once again.  I put my hands on her lap, and felt the biggest and wettest tears ever fall on my hands.

"Gali, I really messed up."

Her body was trembling now.  I hated seeing Sam in so much pain and not being able to fix it.  I didn't even know what the problem was...how was I going to fix something if I didn't even know what was going on?

She finally looked me in the eyes, and did her best to speak in between sobs...

"I'm so sorry, but I didn't know where else to go.  I...I...I had heard that you had moved back in here after your parents retired a few years ago, so when I left the hospital I just got in my car and drove here, it..."

Wait.  Hospital?  You were in the hospital?  Are you okay?  What's wrong?

She completely ignored my questions and went on telling her story in between sobs...

"...it was the only place that I knew to go.  I...I...I'm so sorry, Gali.  I totally screwed up.  I ruined everything......I was just so scared.  I've never been brave like you.  I'm so sorry that I ran away after we graduated.  I threw away everything, and now"

I recycle!

I just blurted it out.  I'm not even sure where it came from.

You know, like glass and plastic and paper.  I recycle all of it.  So whatever you're afraid that you lost because you threw it away...it's okay.  Because I recycle.  And recycled stuff is even better than the original.  I'm not exactly quite sure how that works, but there was some article in Newsweek the other day that said something about it.

I suddenly stopped and just stared at her.  I still loved her.  I was still IN love with her.  Time and distance had done nothing to diminish my affection for Sam.

"They're never that bad, individually that is...but it's just that over time they add up, you know?  The weight just gets to be too much.  I couldn't deal with it anymore.  I was so alone, and the weight was just too much."

I wasn't quite sure what Sam was talking about, but then she slowly took off her jacket and I saw it.  She was wearing a navy sleevelss shirt, and both of her arms were absolutely covered in bruises from her shoulders to her elbows.  Some looked weeks old, and others from the past few days.  As she finished slipping her left arm out of her jacket, I saw the bandages on her wrist.  I bit my lower lip as tears began to well up in my eyes.

How long did they keep you?

"Only a few hours.  I had been drinking, and told them as much...I just convinced that I had been drunk and it was one of those freak accident things."

You're back, right?  I mean, you're staying here...aren't you?  Look...regardless of what we are right now, you and me, this house is huge.  You can always have your own bedroom and bathroom and all that jazz, okay?  So you should stay here......and I'll call Dr. Stone tomorrow and make an appointment for you for sometime next week.  She's the psychiatrist that took over my dad's practice.  You'll like her...I promise.

"Psychiatrist?"

Yeah...I think that you need to talk with someone about...about what happened...about all those bruises.  Whether or not you want to file charges is irrelevant, but you've got to talk to someone about the abuse, okay?  I love you.  I love you and I want you to be okay...and I want you to get all the help that you need to deal with all this crap that's happend to you.  Okay?

For the first time that night there seemed to be a glimmer of hope in Sam's eyes.

"Okay."

I'm not quite sure how it happened, but by this point we were standing facing each other, less than a foot apart.  At this point, my heart was racing and my mind was going a thousand miles a second.  I felt my chest begin to tighten as I fought to find the right words to say.

"Gali?"

Yeah?

She took a step forward, wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me on the cheek.

"I'm really glad that you recycle."

Me too.

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AfterEllen has an article about how Emily Blunt has said that she wants to be a gay icon (you can go here to read the article).



My question is, what exactly IS a gay icon now?  Is it the same thing that it was 10 or 20 years ago?  I definitely don't view Emily Blunt's career so far as that of a gay icon, at least not in the traditional sense.  Are our views of what makes a gay icon changing?  Is Blunt perhaps not on her way to being a gay icon, but maybe a lesbian icon?  I think that it's possible that we're coming to a point where we can have distinct lesbian icons.  To me, that's a very positive thing.  It's a recognition of the difference between lesbians and gay men.  While we're all under the big umbrella term of 'gay'...there are obviously differences between gay men and lesbians.  I think that recognising a separate category of 'lesbian icons' would be demonstrating that we realise that gay men and lesbians aren't exactly the same, and we want to better understand and celebrate the differences.

Because diversity is just rad like that

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You can go here to read the article about it on AfterEllen.  What I really liked about the article on AfterEllen was that it talked about the impact that fictional lesbian characters on TV have on the wider acceptance of homosexuality by society at large.

Whether we like it or not, we live in a celebrity and entertainment driven culture.  The portrayal of lgbt characters on TV and in films really does affect how society views lgbt individuals.  Visibility matters.  If you are lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer, _____ (insert any other term that means not-so-straight) I encourage you to come out.

Come out, come out wherever you are!!

Visibility matters.

The more people who are willing to be out, the better.  The more people who are willing to be open and honest about who they are and who they love, the better.  Coming out is never easy, but it's the right thing to do.  By coming out you will make it easier for the lgbt people who come after you.  By coming out, you will help break stereotypes and help put a real face to lgbt issues.  By coming out, you will make the world a better place

Visibility matters

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This is from 1991 folks...almost 20 years ago.

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Maybe I just haven't been checking my universal inbox at the right time, but I've yet to see any of my friends or subscriptions blog about anything related to the recent election in Iran.  What's up with that?

Honestly, since jumping on the Twitter bandwagon I haven't been as good about blogging....my apologies.  I get more interaction on Twitter than I do on many of my blog postings...so part of it is just being active where people want me.  Anyhoo...I've been tweeting like mad about what's going on Iran.  Why aren't more people blogging about it?  It really saddens me how uneducated so many young Americans are about world events.

For those of you who would like to be more informed about what's going on in the world, I can recommend the follow:

• BBC News
• Los Angeles Times
• Reuters UK
• Sydney Morning Herald
• Google News (this is great, because it's completely customizable)

What sites do you use for news?

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So I just heard that Nanna won Finland's version of 'Next Top Model'...you can also go here to read more about her



'homo' just happens to be the Finnish word for 'gay'...as far as I know, it doesn't have the same connotation in Finnish as it does in English

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I took this pic for the Faces of Us project....go here to see what it's all about, and submit your own photo!!

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Just over 6 years ago I met this girl named Savannah.  I actually had a class with her, but there were seriously around 100 people in the class.  I don't ever recall seeing her, but knew that she was in the class because we were broken up into small groups for an online component (yay Blackboard!!) and we were in the same group.  So when I met her in 'real life' for the first time I recognised her name from postings that I had read.  She was one of those 'Jesus freak' type people.  It didn't really bother me, but I almost felt bad for her.  I knew that other people who read her postings thought that she was kinda going too far...and honestly, I agreed.  She seemed nice and all (from her postings), but just a little socially awkward.  Anyhoo, the first Wednesday in April I met her 'properly' when she gave me a survey.  It was about beliefs and faith and all that jazz.  It was really interesting...because I gave some 'interesting' answers that she could have challenged me on, but she didn't.  It was as if she could really see my heart.  Basically she just listened to me and let me ramble on and try to explain why I believed what I did.  It was obvious from my rambling that I was still trying to figure out exactly what I believed about a few specific issues.

We quickly became CLOSE friends.  For a while, she didn't have a car, so I would drive her anywhere she needed to go.  She REALLY cared about me and my well-being.  I would try to push her away at times, but she just kept caring.  She really impressed me.

Now she no longer talks to me.  In January I called her after an old teacher passed away (this teacher meant A LOT to me).  I left her a voicemail.  She left me a maybe two sentence response on my wall on Facebook (you should add me!!).  In the span of approximately two months I had called once, emailed twice, and Facebooked her twice....and all I got was that two sentence response.

About every other month I'll Facebook her or email her and tell her to give me a call when she's free (she's WAAAYYY busier than me with her job and other stuff she does).  I never get a response back from her.  I know that she still uses FB somewhat regularly...she just doesn't talk to ME anymore.

Of course the million dollar question is WHY she doesn't talk to me anymore.

Best I can guess the 'straw that broke the camel's back' in our friendship was me coming out.

She won't be my friend now because I'm gay.

So now I'm left going back over all these memories that I had...wondering if they're true.  Were we actually really good friends for so many years?  Did she really care about me?  Maybe all those memories are fake.  Maybe it was all a ruse.  Maybe she never really did care for me.  Maybe she was just using me.  Maybe I just wanted to remember things better than they actually were.

Or maybe all my memories are correct.  Maybe the problem is really her.  Perhaps she just decided that me being open...honest...authentic about who I really am means that we can no longer be friends.  Means that SHE can no longer be MY friend.

One of my favourite verses in the Bible is Proverbs 17:17.


I take that verse very seriously.  Many of my 'friends' do not...they seem to read it as A brother is born for adversity, and a friend only loves heterosexuals at all times or something similar.  Such a shame.  They've chosen to miss out on the richness of God's diversity because of their own fear and narrowmindedness.

So my memories are rule...but at the same time, they tell a lie.  My memories imply that this person was my close friend, and would always be a friend.  Unfortunately, she chose to cut me off.

So Christ-like of her, no?

It's hard for me.  For many years she was this example to me of what a godly woman was.  She was the shining example of what a disciple of Christ was.  In reality though, she's a hypocrite like the rest of us.  She's picking and chooses what parts of the Bible to follow.  We all do it.  I need to become more obedient and disciplined in my life as a Christian as well.  I guess that I never thought she would just so blatantly disregard a command of God.  I never thought that she would so blatantly disregard ME.  I'm a human being and I thought that I mattered to her.  My memories told me that I did.

I guess that sometimes the truth is a lie.